Name to Which Child Responds
Reflecting on navigating #Bookstagram/Book "influencing" with my inner child in mind for the past nine years
I recently discovered this photo of me stapled to a school transportation form. It was stored in a plastic sheet protector along with copies of my birth certificate I don’t remember seeing before. The birth certificate is in Spanish but with it comes three translated versions. One of those versions I translated myself when I was 17 years old. I don’t initially remember translating it but I do recall the brief time I spent working on the weekends in D.C. with my Uncle. I was his translator for the documents in Spanish that his mainly immigrant clients brought in to get notarized by him.
Thinking of my Uncle, my eyes gravitate to the big bold letters that state “Name to Which Child Responds” and written in all caps, either by my Mamá or Papi, it reads LUPITA. Seeing my former childhood nickname on this school form, I felt a flush of warmth all over my body. There’s evidence that there was once a time in school when I might have only responded to this name, not just at home or with my family. There was once a time when I was only a LUPITA before I turned into a GUADALUPE or LUPE.
My Uncle was the one in our family who doled out the nicknames like they were Werther’s candies in his pocket. Sometimes they were easy nicknames, like mine — LUPITA — the diminutive form of LUPE or GUADALUPE; Tiny Lupe. Sometimes the nicknames only made sense to those of us in our family, like my cousin - EL PELOS — because his thick black hair stuck straight up and couldn’t be managed by any hair products. I was LUPITA to the family until I became GORDA-LUPE — a play on the size of my body and my full name GUADALUPE. My nickname changed because another younger and physically smaller GUADALUPE arrived in our family. She became LUPITA.
All this rushes back to me staring at this document. I’m struck by the realization that I’ve felt like an imposter using my old nickname for my “brand” on Instagram up until now. I realize I’ve feared that someone would call me out and tell me I have no claim to LUPITA. But here I am holding this form 30-something years later reckoning with all that I’ve built (accidentally, for the most part) under this nickname. Nine years of carving into a space/profession I didn’t ever imagine I could venture into because I spent so much of my life focused on pursuing the career path my immigrant parents deemed “successful” and worthy of their sacrifices. And yet somehow, this tiny child in the photo who answers to the name of LUPITA found a way to let herself come through anyway. I see her in all things “Lupita Reads” so clearly now. I see she’s the core/heart of it all.
I see it in the reason why I first decided to start an Instagram account dedicated to books back in 2015 - “I just want to make friends and talk to those friends about books.” I see it in the way I let myself get animated and passionate about a book I love. I see it in the way I am able to sit down and write long captions that openly share the vulnerabilities I carry about motherhood, parenting, my body, my love, and life. Something I normally struggle with because I’m just now learning to identify my feelings and stand in them without the crushing anxiety that tells me if I do that, the world will crumble around me. I see it in the fact that I navigate the publishing/social media space with a genuine interest in getting to know others instead of with an interest in how that connection can benefit me. I see it in how I’m often disappointed and heartbroken to realize that the connections folks want to make with me are superficial and formed to access a “platform”/microphone to readers who have come to trust me or because it can be of some benefit to them.
Another thing I can now see is how often over the past nine years, I’ve shamed this self of me that’s the beating heart to “Lupita Reads”. How I haven’t built good boundaries to protect her. How instead I expect her to understand things an older version of me thinks we should understand:
the world we are navigating is someone’s livelihood and we have the privilege of navigating that same world with our livelihood not contingent upon it
transactional community — for some the word “community” doesn’t mean building a found family it means building a “network”. many people you’ll interact with will only need something from you for a brief time. For that brief time, they’ll be in your life but that doesn’t mean they’re interested in getting to know you
you’ve built a platform — you are responsible for being vocal
people will feel like they know you because of how open you are on social media and that will make you feel lonely because 1) you don’t know anything about them 2) there’s a sense from you that they only know a very small part of you
you’ll feel like you pour into people that don’t have the capacity or will to pour back
not everyone you meet wants to be your friend
That last bullet is the one that stings my inner child the most. I think it’s also the reason these last few years I’ve struggled with finding a balance and joy in the space. Why, on every anniversary I ask myself “Should we let this go?” instead of focusing on how much my inner child’s spark to find friends and talk about books, has built something that has completely changed our lives.
I’ve struggled to acknowledge her feelings without shaming them and push forward to build better boundaries around her and our heart because multiple things are true: the space we’ve built has become something beyond us and can be extremely helpful to people while the fact remains — we want to find genuine connection/friendships among that. Both can and do exist and no one is wrong or right.
And if I’m to continue, for her sake, I need to build better boundaries to protect her while also honoring/encouraging her joy, heart, and abundant love regardless of what is or is not returned. Because thanks to her we’ve:
let go of any fears of public speaking to host book clubs and talk to authors about their books
written and shared parts of our story which helped someone feel less alone
helped readers connect to books that changed them
helped amplify books by authors of color, particularly Latine-authored books
learned to let go of fears of looking silly to create videos that have brought people joy
found friendships that will last way beyond a time when Instagram or social media no longer exists
learned to stand up for ourselves, to take up space, to love ourselves — all parts of ourselves
It’s been a beautiful ride and even if someday my journey with existing on social media as a bookstagrammer/book influencer comes to an end, I’ll be full of beautiful memories and the truth that my inner child led the way the entire time. She is so brave and I am so incredibly proud of her. I love so much you, Lupita. Happy nine-year #bookstaversary!!!!
Couldn’t end this without some book recs, so here are the top nine books that left me changed after I finished reading them over the last nine years:
(just a few photos from these last nine years)